My eldest runs sobbing down the hallway to her room, fleeing the unholy wrath of her mommy.
I watch her go. My head slumps and my heart breaks. I did it again.
Hurled anger at one of those I love most rather than gently bearing love.
Why do I do this? Why do I consistently make wrong choices? Why is it so hard to choose the right way?
How can I read God's words of love to me, His child, and then turn around and choose to offer anger to my own children?
And it is a choice. Ann Voskamp, in One Thousand Gifts, says:
Do I really smother my own joy because I believe that anger achieves more than love? That Satan's way is more powerful, more practical, more fulfilling in my daily life than Jesus' way? Why else get angry? Isn't it because I think complaining, exasperation, resentment will pound me up into the full life I really want?I'm a curious learner and I want to know why.
Why does my nature seem stuck in a default of sin? Why am I so easily led into believing that Satan's way is more fulfilling than Jesus' way?
Why is it easier to believe Satan than God?
I ask our pastor and he points me to Romans 5:
Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned...So because of Adam, I really do start life with a disadvantage, with a default of disobedience? How is this fair?
Again, Pastor, in his letter, offers a way to understand:
God chose Adam as our representative, just as we choose our representatives in government. Just as we are bound by what our congressmen sign in our names, so we are bound by what Adam did for all of humanity.I stop reading. I am still not liking this. Did God choose poorly? I didn't get to vote on who represented me in this matter of sin and death!
Reluctantly, I keep reading and Pastor points me to the rest of Romans 5:
...if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God's grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! ... how much more will those who receive...the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ ... so also through the obedience of the one man, the many will be made righteous.how much more
through Jesus Christ
Yes, God chose Adam as our representative. For all I would like to blame him, I know that no other human would have done any better.
And God chose Jesus as our representative! We are not simply restored to our own faulty, pitiful righteousness, we are raised up to Christ's righteousness!
What a gift. What grace.
When we say "yes" to Jesus, our old nature is gone and we are a new creation (2 Cor 5).
Why do I still find it difficult to obey? Why do I still choose anger rather than love?
Because I forget. I do not steep myself in Jesus. I do not surround myself with His words. I do not ask Him to change my heart.
I will continue to ask. I will find more ways to hide His words in my heart and let Him change me.
When I forget, I will ask again for grace.
I walk to her room and hold her close. I wipe away her tears and ask her to forgive me.
She nestles in close to my heart and I breathe thanks for this grace, this gift of a child who is able to offer God's grace to a weak Mommy.
A mommy who chooses, at this moment, to offer words of love.
Source/credit for paintings: Creation of Adam by Michelangelo; Christ of Santa Maria sopra Minerva by Michelangelo