My eldest screams with a red hot rage and sobs tears of hurt and disappointment.
As much as I would like to hold my head up high and speak with condescension about the ways of a child, I can't. Instead, I will bow my head with shame and confess that, even if I don't do it out loud or in front of people, I have much the same reaction in my deepest places.
I received another "no" from God this week.
It really hurt. Yet another of my well-laid plans was swept away with the dust of a hope.
I do gain deep peace and joy from knowing beyond a doubt that the only reason that God said "no" was because that wasn't what was best.
And, just as I wrote recently, my heart still grieves.
There is a piece of me, that child that can't seem to grow up, that wants to shout and rage and stamp its foot and demand a "yes" from God.
The desire, the temptation, is not wrong. As I often tell my eldest, the feeling is not wrong, but what you choose to do can be either wise or foolish.
So what did I choose to do?
This time (I wish that I could say "every time") I chose what was wise.
With tears, I praised God.
I thanked Him for telling me "no" because I trust that it was best, that it was done out of love.
Then I went to church and worshiped.
You make all things work together for my good.
You stay the same through the ages,
Your love never changes.
There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning.
And when the oceans rage,
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me.
Your love never fails.
My whole life I place in Your hands.
God of mercy, humbled I bow down
In Your presence at Your throne.
I called, You answered
And You came to my rescue
And I want to be where You are.
You stood before my failure,
Carried the cross for my shame.
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders,
My soul now to stand.
So I'll stand,
With arms high and heart abandoned,
In awe of the One who gave it all.
I turned my eyes back to Jesus and gained back my perspective. No matter to what God says "no", it is so small compared to the huge thing to which He has already said "yes": allowing us to become His children through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. He has given us everything, and so...
My soul, Lord, to You surrendered.
All I am is Yours.
songs are from Your Love Never Fails (Jesus Culture); Came To My Rescue (Hillsong United); The Stand (Hillsong United)
sketching is The Three Crosses by Rembrandt