Our middle daughter (can I say "middle" when the youngest is still inside my belly?) turned two years old this week.
As I watch her and her four-year-old sister growing up so incredibly quickly, I sometimes start thinking about how much of what I do, both with them and in front of them, influences who they become.
This thought almost makes me start hyperventilating. I start feeling almost physically weighed down with the pressure to do things perfectly with my children.
I was recently reminded, however, of how much God loves these girls. He loves them even more than I love them. That idea is difficult for me to wrap my mind around, considering how deep is my love for them, but it is truth.
God loves my girls more than I do, and He wants them to fall in love with Him even more than I want that to happen.
And if God wants something to happen, well...
If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all--how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? ~ Romans 8.31-32
This is, like most issues in my life, a refusal to trust, a difficulty in letting go of my pride. I have to trust God with the hearts and lives of my children and I have to realize that I am not the most important influence on them.
God is more than able to make up for my myriad of mistakes.
In fact, I am learning that it is good for me to make mistakes.
When I make mistakes with my little ones, when I mess up in front of them, I have the chance (if only I took it more consistently!) to show them how to make mistakes. I have the opportunity to teach them how to apologize, how to ask for forgiveness, how to ask God to change your heart and help you to do better.
How to do this, how to wisely use this chance, is something that is indelibly imprinted in my heart: it is the image of my dad asking me (a tiny, humble kid!) for my forgiveness. His actions taught me a beautiful lesson.
By messing up in front of my girls, I can show them that God loves them no matter what they do.
My eldest is already learning this lesson. Every night, as part of her four-year-old routine, she says, "Mommy? Did you know that God loves you even when you disobey?" And I respond "Yes, darling. Isn't that a beautiful thing?"
This is what I want to teach my girls. That God loves them no matter what. That we can't ever be good enough and that is why Jesus came to rescue us, why the Holy Spirit has to work in our hearts to heal them. I want them to rest secure in God's love, enjoying His presence and loving Him right back.
I sit in awe and praise God that in His mercy and grace, He uses my mistakes, my imperfect and messed-up self, to show my girls just that.
I am really tired of getting things wrong, of feeling ashamed of myself.
I didn't speak when I should have spoken because I was afraid of someone's opinion of me.
I spoke sarcastically to my husband in front of several friends.
I chose to read story books rather than to spend time with God.
I yelled at my babies. While we were praying!
I often have a really hard time loving myself. I feel frustrated with my inability to obey, to love, to be perfect. I often have a very low opinion of myself.
I am fairly certain that I am not the only one who feels like this.
I want to share a truth that was recently spoken to me: Your opinion of yourself doesn't matter.
Does that sound hard? It is true.
I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself...it is the Lord who judges me. ~ I Corinthians 4.3
It doesn't matter what you think of yourself, whether or not you approve of yourself. Only God's opinion of you matters.
That's worth saying again.
The only thing that matters is whether or not God approves of you.
This then is...how we set our hearts at rest in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts and He knows everything. ~ I John 3.19-20
And the best news of all? The news that fills up my heart and gives me peace?
If you are in Christ, God does approve of you!
Just read Romans 8:
vs 1: Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...
vs 33: Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? (Yes, this includes bringing charges against yourself!) It is God who justifies.
vs 38-39: For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (italics mine)
When I am playing a difficult piece on the piano, sometimes I play the wrong notes. When that happens, rather than getting upset, making horrid faces and just quitting, my mother taught me to simply improvise the wrong notes into the next bit of music. These wrong notes are then given a new name: passing notes - notes that don't really fit but can become fitting.
For me, one of the most breathtaking things about being a Christian is that God can take our worst mistakes and turn them into His passing notes. That's what God is promising to do for us in the end, and it can start now. And if you haven't heard that before, it's time you did. ~ Jeremy Begbie
So. Take a deep breath. Quit thinking about yourself and your mistakes.
Trust God's approval of you in Christ. Allow Him to turn those mistakes into His beautiful passing notes that lead us to become who God intended for us to be.
